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Friday, October 7th, 2005
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3:34 am - sitting on a stool just waiting to be tucked in
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so typically, tonight i had plans...i had plans to see peter...who i have seen twice since i move back here since the summer...whats funny is that he almost compares me to his friends paula and mike who he always says to them "i'm coming" and just doesn't care enough to show up...whats funny is i know how much he doesn't like them...so why does he do the same thing to me? its just mean..he didn't even bother calling to tell me he wasn't coming...
i'm putting a sign up on my door tomorrow saying "no assholes allowed"...cuz i know peter and if he really feels bad about not coming he will show up UNINVITED tomorrow...whats funny is that he said to me before i left for toronto for the week, "you deserve for me to take you out...you deserve to see me and have a good time"...that hurts cuz he was just clearly saying that so i would stop crying and i wouldn't be sad...thats just creating false hope for me....fuck it...i don't need it anymore...
well at least i had other plans with maria which was nice...when i'm there i usually forget my problems and actually have a great time....its like a refuge for me...i feel safe and at home there..
its raining outside again today...and its also very cold...winter is coming...i'm just gonna be very depressed all winter if i continue to be this lonely...
i spoke to cameron tonight..which didn't make my night any better...we talked about everything....he told me why he didn't call me back while i was in toronto..me being there was causing him and jolene problems...she thinks it wierd that he hangs out with me...he said he doesn't want to throw our friendship away and that he DOES want to see me when i come back around christmas...but really..whats the point...the same thing is going to happen when i try and see him....our time will be cut short and i'll feel left empty handed...
i keep putting myself in these positions to get hurt and i need to stop it...its like putting a crazy person in a room filled with knives...they're bound to hurt themselves...its like maybe i should give up contact with all these boys so i don't hurt myself anymore...i'm just so sad
i should go to sleep...its almost 4 in the morning...i'm never gonna wake up tomorrow...
goodnight
current mood:  crappy
current music: david gray - aint no love
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| Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
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11:47 pm - i just can't understand
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have you ever been in love been in love so bad
you would do anything to make them understand
have you ever had someone steal your heart away
you would give anything to make them feel the same
have you ever searched for words to get you their heart
but you don't know what to say and you don't know where to start
have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry
have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night
have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right
have you ever found the one you've dreamed of all your life
do just about anything to look into their eyes
have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
only to find that one wont give their heart to you
have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there
and all you could do is wait, till that day when they will care
what do i gotta do to get you in my arms baby
what do i gotta say to get to your heart
to make you understand how i need you next to me
gotta get you in my world, cuz baby i can't sleep
those last few lines have just been making me cry for a while now...
current mood: sad
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| Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
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10:07 pm - two at a time
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i just can't see how she's more important than i am...i put so much effort into him...i put so much love intot hat relationship and he can't see it..
i know it sounds so selfish to say...but i have no way around that...
i've seen peter twice since i got back...its been a month...a drastic decline of visits since about two years ago.,..when i was still with him..i would see him about 4 times a week..last year i saw him a couple times a week...and now i'm leaving for toronto and i still haven't seen him in a long time...thats not even the problem...i find things to do with myself...
he told me that i had his word..that i would see him last night...he has to bring me my lease so i could finally sign it and he also is lending me his guitar...he didn't show up..which i guess is ok cuz i had a lot of work due today and i wasn't even home...but it was expected..tonight i told him it was ok for him to come over..but he had plans...he made plans ahead of time (which he never did with me) and he says that he "can't break his plans with her again"
how is it fair that he could continue to break plans with me and make it a normal thing to ditch me and with everyone else he HAS to go...this really hurts...i don't want anyone telling me that i deserve better because i know i do..but it still doesn't discourage the fact that it hurts...he says that he's really busy and that he needs time to breathe...and that time that i make plans with him is usually what he uses as his time to breathe...its not fair...
i just don't understand how he can be happy...how its so easy for him to be happy...how come he gets the luxury and i still miss him...
maria said its cuz he's dumb...it made me laugh...she said for some reason stupid people always seem happier..hahaha i donno...
although thats pretty funny...i'm still sad...i miss being with someone...and i wish i could just turn back time and go back to when him and i were happy together...or better yet before i even knew him...i wouldn't be the same as i am today..thats for sure...
thats it for now..
current mood: depressed
current music: jessica riddle - even angels fall
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| Monday, September 26th, 2005
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12:31 am - talking to a brick wall
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i feel like i'm not getting through to him
i keep trying and trying to talk to him...am i not saying the right things?
i'm pulling myself into this deep depression..i'm alone...very lonely...
i have constant sad thoughts in my head....
the one thats been recurring most is a memory...a vivid one...
right after my sister died, my dad didn't cry...i guess he wanted to be there for all of us..
but in the middle of the night i woke up to some loud crying...none of us really got that much sleep that night and there was an eerie silence in my house like something was missing...and i ran into my parents room and yelled "WHOS CRYING!" my mom said "DAD!" in a very weepy voice...and i ran to sit next to him and hold him while he cries...i woke up again in the morning to him crying...i keep hearing the sobbing in my head...i donno...
its sort of like how i feel now..i feel like i'm putting myself out there for everyone...i'm trying to help so many people with their problems when i have enough of my own..i'm tired...i'm tired of trying to fix everyone as well as myself..
i fucked up big time with this one thing and i don't know what to do because i think that someone really close to me has given up talking to me which hurts so much. i tried calling him...i tried emailing him...i tried text messaging him...and i get nothing...i feel like i've made a huge turn around personality wise over the past little while...i feel like i've become more giving and more caring about the people close to me...i wont take people for granted...my friends are worth more than that...
i guess i thought i was to....i try to go into everything without any expectations but in this case i think i got my heart trampled on...i can't stop thinking about how things would be if i was around this person...if i had stayed in toronto and was around them...would things change?...oh well...its like talking to a brick wall..i'm getting no where fast and its killing me..
i have so much work to do and i'm putting a half assed job into it...at least the one that is due tomorrow but i'm just happy that its gonna be over with...i want wednesday to come quick...well wednesday afternoon...
i'll update later...maybe my situation will change..if there's anyone listening out there its nice to know that people still care whether i'm happy or not..
current mood: depressed
current music: sarah mclachlan - i love you
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| Saturday, September 17th, 2005
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1:58 am - i hear the guitar strum and i feel numb with distraction
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i'm tired. just tired of trying so hard for everything. i feel like i put so much effort into everything i do...everything that is a part of my life that it's really taken a toll on me. i'm pretty much left alone. i was with peter...i changed him for the better...and he left me...i'm constantly being thrown challenges (which is what i love) and expected to do the same with all of them. fix this person....i love doing it...but at this point i'm just so tired. mostly i'm tired of being alone. haven't been alone in a long time. it will be a rainy day like to today and it'll bring me down and make me think about how alone i really am. i have no time to myself, but at the same time i have all the time in the world!
i went to the tarot card reader - and the first thing she said after putting 3 cards down was "well, you're definately tired of being alone" - and she's right...its been over a year since i broke up with peter...i'm not alone solely because of that but also because i spent my time trying so hard to find someone to replace that void that peter left and it created a bigger gap because i found no one. she put down a 4th card and said "ok...well there is a man...he's tall with dark hair" immediately i thought it was cameron..so i said cameron...and she said "there is a lot of conflict happening with this one...he's tall with brown hair...high forehead..." and i said well maybe thats not cameron... and she told me that it was the taller of the two...which narrowed it down to peter..she told me after putting more cards down, that he's not a nice guy...he's a multiple dater...he's never with one girl without even THINKING about calling another one.. but he's not gonna settle down for a while...when he finds someone who he thinks is the one, she's just going to end up using him for all he's worth and then he's gonna get burned really badly...to which i responded with "good..."
she told me i need to relax...that i did a lot for him in the past...and he doesn't see how special that quality is...and he takes it for granted...(which i knew already)..she told me that its a really good quality, to be able to fix things for people...but i have to start using it wisely instead of trying to fix everything for everyone.
then she continued to talk about cameron...she told me that she sensed a lot of confusion around him to which i responded with "well he has a gf...but he's fallen for me" and she said that "he's afraid to tell her....to tell her that he doesn't love her anymore...something is telling me 3...that after the 3rd year that they were together he fell out of love with her...and now he just genuinly doesn't want to hurt her and he's so comfortable that he's staying with her out of convenience.." then whats funny is she asked me cameron's gf's name...which i told her and she said that she seemed sort of innocent.. and very mousy...which is funny cuz its the exact same terminology that i used to describe her... the bad news is that no matter how in love i am with cameron...she says we're extremely compatible and as friends we could take over the world...but as for now...that would be it...he has way too much emotionaly baggage for me at this point and i just have to rest instead of starting all over again with trying to fix more things...she did tell me that i'll be meeting someone around the end of winter beginning of spring...so i hope thats true...everything else she said was bang on...she said it was gonna be a serious relationship but still not the one that i'm going to marry...
on a lighter note...i spent the day with maria again...we went shopping...then we went out to dinner where she dropped a whole bottle of mustard on the floor and it shattered into a million pieces...we had some laughs...it was a good day...minus the rain...tomorrow brings some homework...and lots of it!
i'm just not in the mood for anything but bed...
current mood: depressed
current music: Erik Satie
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| Friday, September 16th, 2005
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3:04 am - in this life we live....i stand alone
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well its been almost a year since i've written..and to tell you the truth, the last entry...well i don't even remember writing it...i actually don't even remember having that dream - but who knows, i was probably drunk when i had it so its understandable.
i'm back in montreal for my third year at concordia. my summer was pretty decent. it started off terrible...i was sad, i was depressed, i needed to get out of Canada. i just felt this need to travel - like i had so much on my mind, so much that i needed to sort through that it was making me tired. i needed a break to just sort everything out in my head so that i could just move on. i wanted to get away from peter, i wanted to get away from my family - i just wanted to go somewhere where i had close to absolutely NO obligations when i went. a place where no one knew me. unfortunately i never ended up going...and it remained just a far off dream of mine to leave the country. i worked for little miss henna still - but this time i was the manager. melanie and lauren let me have free reign to do what i wanted. i walked around telling people what to do all day. i fixed problems, dealt with customers and was able to get the respect of all my employees. it was great experience. i actually miss it.
i met this guy at wonderland this year named rob. he's 17 which i guess is a bit young for me, but i went out with him for about a month. i guess the more mature he tried to act the more immature he became, not to mention the more mature he tried to be the more condescending he was towards me. whatever...its over.
i really don't know if anyone remembers me ever talking about a guy named cameron...but he's been in my life for about 6 years now. i've liked him since the moment i saw him...even before i met him. anyways, over the past year or so, i'de get together with him whenever i went into toronto...we would have 1-3 hour long conversations on msn every night. he's just amazing. at first it was more of a lust thing..but by the end of the summer i actually started really falling for him. he is the single most amazing person to ever grace my life. he broke up with his gf right before i left...and i know it might sound terrible, but i was actually kind of happy. they had been having problems for a few weeks. a few days ago he told me that they got back together. i was heartbroken. i told him that as long as he's happy then everything will be ok. i was sad, yes...but i've never felt like that about anyone - where i wish him nothing but happiness and that if he's happy i don't want to do anything to change the situation... even if i had to be miserable in order for him to be happy, i wish nothing but the best for him...i donno if this is true but i actually think i love him, yes as a friend..but even as something more, and thats what kills me that i'm so far away.
since i got back, i saw peter for about 20 minutes a week and a half ago...and before that i hadn't seen him for about 2 months. you'de think that MAYBE....just MAYBE he would want to see someone who's supposed to be their best friend...he started seeing this new girl named kim and over the past few days he's become super nice to me...i donno why but it may have to do with the fact that she bad in bed...that sex is a 5 minute affair to her and he doesn't like that..that he thinks that he has a chance to have some sort of physical contact with me...but i promised myself i wouldn't do that anymore because its too emotionally wreckless on my behalf.
my new roommate is super cool...we get along really well and i think its becuz we both seem to have the same sort of personality and we've experienced similar things. we've both had really bad experiences with roommates...bad roommates where we didn't feel wanted...so we both know what we're looking for in a good roommate. i think we're both nice people that other people took advantage of...played us for all we're worth and then left us in the snow. well this year is looking up...kind of...i have to find a job...
and i've also been hanging out with my friend maria a lot. she used to live in the east end, in st. leonard which is far..but now she moved up the street from me so i'm there every day which is great cuz now i have somewhere to hang out if i don't want to be at home or if i just want to chill. its definately making my third year experience much better..
i went to a tarot card reading yesterday and i actually want to write more and tell you everything about it but i'm getting sleepy as it is almost 3 in the morning. i promised myself i would write in this tonight...so here i am..updating everyone on my life which is so interesting...
i hope to write again soon...
p.s. i'm really tired of being alone...
current mood:  sleepy
current music: erik satie
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| Saturday, March 12th, 2005
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9:58 am - nightmares on drunk avenue
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so i had this awesome birthday party last night...it was a hell of a lot of fun....i had like 20-30 people here....and i got REALLLLY drunk! i think cory was drunkEST out of everyone though....by the end of the night he was called peter, STEVE! that was pretty fucking hilarious
anyways...the reason i'm even writing right now is because, well, i just woke up and i had the most FUCKED UP dream ever!
so let me see if i could explain this properly and then i'm getting back to sleep
so in my dream i was back at my house in toronto....some rooms were pretty much the same and some rooms were completely different....like they were much more open and bigger..anyways, in this dream, i was a top 12 finalist in canadian idol...and me and a bunch of other people were standing at this closet and there was this voice coming out of it....and the voice was deep and scary...it was saying how it wanted to kill me...but first he wanted to know my thoughts...he wanted to know everything i was thinking...and there was this aparatus which he had test on someone else first that is put on your head that shows on the television everything in you head...memories and stuff like that....and he said that the only way he'll come out is if he gets to see whats in my head...so after a lot of crying, everyone around me forced me to put it on...but then once it was one my head everyone pretty much started leaving...and left me with just my family....but my dad wasn't there. then i was trying to hide my thoughts and my memories but it wasn't working...the machin e was too powerful! when it was done scanning my memory there was silence and then i heard this loud scratch at the door...i had remembered seeing a policeman and a couple other people to help out..but they somehow dissapeared....so my mom went to the door...i tried to stop her...and there was this man...who's face was all fucked up....half of his face looked like a bum off the street and the other half was very zombie like and was decaying and he was wearing a blue suit jacket and red pants and was carrying a magicians wand...at least thats what it looked like....my mom was trying to push him away but he was too forceful and wanted to get at me...and then i yelled "HELLO?!?!" to see if the policeman was still around....and then 5 other zombie looking characters came out from all around the house...and one of them said "you were set up!" then i saw that my brother started killing them...he killed one...and then naomi started killing and then my mother....so i ran to the kitched in my house and i couldnt find a shard knife every knife was dull! so i found one sharp knife and a guy came at me and i stabbed him....then me and my family got together and we made sure that all those guys were dead...and i said that the one i stabbed wasnt dead...i took a pair of scissors and i went to the family room where they were all sitting while we waited for the cops to come...and the guy was sitting there all woozy...so i went over and started stabbing him with the scissors...but they were too dull the do anything...
anything after that i can't remember...
but thats was my dream...i hope it doesnt make me look too wierd...all i could say is that people have wierd dreams when on the influence of something...and i was pretty damn drunk when i went to sleep!
anyways i'll write back soon
current mood: hungoverso i had this awesome
current music: too hungover to listen to music!
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| Saturday, February 12th, 2005
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8:46 pm - i hate everything about you!
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it definately has been a long time since i've written...
i'm not distracted by anything...i just don't have time in my life for a journal...i was thinking about getting rid of this for a while actually...but i guess it's good to have around when i want to vent!
i'm really angry today! its like the worse day ever!
so anastasia and i were fostering this kitten from the SPCA and we thought that she was better so we brought her back yesterday! i was supposed to do my laundry today and right before i went to take a shower the SPCA called and said that Precious (tha cat) didn't pass her physical...but staz and i are both leaving at the end of the week...so i had to tell them that we couldn't take the cat back...and i feel bad cuz now they aren't gonna ask us to do the foster program any more....so it was time to my laundry and the laundry room was closed without ANY warning!
so i had to take all my stuff to the place down the street which is such a shlep...anyways....
i got a bill and it said that i missed a payment....so after calling a bunch of people it turns out i never paid that specific bill....i have a bit of research to do tonight....and anastasia, even though she's fucking loaded she's being fucking stingy with paying for the bill!!
i'm just really angry!!
i hate everything about her!! i hate that she's so skinny and she eats the most fattening stuff ALL the time! i hate that she smells like dirty laundry! i hate that she's a fucking slob that she never cleans up after herself! that right after i clean she makes a huge mess! i hate that she has to get high every single day and i hate how she's a fucking space case ALL the time! i hate that she's so rich and that her parents are paying for EVERYTHING and i'm sitting here trying to support myself while she gets off easy and i hate that i'm helping her have a good year by giving her this good deal on the apartment....i hate that she got into concordia with her crappy ass work cuz to tell you the truth i think she's studying the wrong thing by doing studio art cuz she's really NOT talented!
everyone is ignoring me today! this is why i'm writing! i can't get a hold of anyone tonight...
maybe i'll just do my paper
i don't know when i'll write next...maybe when i'm in toronto for a week....
current mood:  frustrated
current music: kiss the girl
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| Monday, October 4th, 2004
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5:37 pm - you got all the answers and i bought all the lies
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i don't even know why i'm writing today. i don't feel like doing my homework, thats probably one main reason...its pretty funny considering i only have one thing to do for this whole week.
anyways i might as well update everyone on whats been going on. everything is really working out living with anastasia! she's a really cool girl! we get along very well. anyways i donno what i could really say - i guess i've been pretty lonely lately. i'm trying to get out more and its really starting to show. i've been talking to more people than i used to. peter just really fucked me over for the last time that i'm having trouble trying to come to terms with everything. i just can't understand why bad things would always happen to me. i'm not a bad person - i never HAVE been a bad person but people insist on completely trampling over me and my emotional well being like it means nothing. for example - i'm not exactly friends with emma anymore... thats girls FUCKED UP beyond belief plus a major whore! so if anyone TRULY wants to get laid ask me for her number - i can't guarantee the sex will be great but she'll put out becuz it's the only thing in the world that will make her feel good about herself! i went out with her to peel pub and peter and paul met up with us that night. peter sat down and immediately started saying the most terrible things to me....i left the bar when no one was looking and stumbled home drunk by myself at 2:30 in morning in tears. but anyways emma calls me the next day telling me how she had sex with both paul and her roommate that night! great - so we have a slut among us...i'm not supposed to be proud of her, am i?
two weeks after i went to see a psychic and she told me to stay away from peter - that there is a lot of betrayel around him and that he's just not safe for me - no one really has to tell me this! i know that EMOTIONALLY he's killing me...constantly banging my head against a wall (not litterally) but that night after i saw the psychic, i had a dream....two nights later i got together with peter and i was sitting with him and i said "you know what? i had a dream the other night that you slept with emma..." and there was a wierd response from him...so i thought that was wierd...so i continued to push until i finally got it out of him...he DID sleep with emma...and then i asked when? and he told me "peel pub" - well look at that! the whore who is supposed to be my friend FUCKED my ex who i was trying to make things better with! AND whats even better is that he completely disregarded ANYTHING i was feeling that night! i don't wish that type of emotional damage on anyone! i took the ring he gave me and threw it somewhere...i donno - i don't think i've felt that horrible inside about anything since i found out about debbie....
it felt like i was grieving....i don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive him...and THATS why i have to get out more! i need to make a life here in montreal! i need to go out and forget about everything that has happened to me...its liek a fuckin soap opera over here!
i DID go to a jeremy fisher concert last night though! he's absolutely amazing! you guys should check out his music!
www.jeremyfishermusic.com
OR
www.therealjeremyfisher.com
you should listen to his music...the most talented man alive!
current mood: bitchy
current music: jeremy fisher - twister
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| Monday, September 6th, 2004
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11:04 am - when there isn't anywhere or anyone to turn to
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i feel really small....not only small, i feel alone. i go outside and look up and i see all these buildings and i feel like no one in the huge city that completely surrounds me. i'm not having a good time here by myself. i wish i was back home spending my time with britt or naomi...turn back time a little just to give me one more week in toronto. i don't really have anyone here - i guess once school starts tomorrow i'll have a few people to hang out with....i donno...only time will tell...peter's not really in my life anymore...and i don't have friends here like britt. it just seemed like peter got along better with everyone else but me. i donno...anyways, i woke up this morning completely hungover and i turned the tv on and the ellen show was on and kelly clarkson was performing and her new song made a lot of sense to me. the lyrics in it is EXACTLY how i feel.
Grew up in a small town,
And when the rain would fall down,
I'd just stare out my window.
Dreaming of what could be,
And if I'd end up happy,
I would pray.
Try not to reach out,
But when I tried to speak out,
Felt like no-one could hear me.
Wanted to belong here,
But something felt so wrong here.
So I'd pray,
I could break away.
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly,
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky,
And I'll make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun,
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Wanna feel the warm breeze,
Sleep under a palm tree,
Feel the rush of the ocean,
Get onboard a fast train,
Travel on a jetplane,
Faraway, and break away.
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly,
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky,
And I'll make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun,
I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I've gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Buildings with a 100 floors,
Swinging aroundrevolving doors,
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me.
But I gotta keep moving on moving on,
Fly away, break away.
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly,
Tho its not easy to tell you goodbye.
Gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun,
But I won't forget the place I come from.
I've gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Break away, break away
current mood: depressed
current music: break away - kelly clarkson
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| Thursday, August 5th, 2004
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4:30 pm - every little thing, is gonna be alright!
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wow - so i just was wondering when my last livejournal entry was and i was surprised to see that it was in may....i thought that it could have been june...but not may! its kind of funny...its like i'm dead to the world! well to recap - me, britt and my sister have become best friends this summer. i haven't really gotten together with anyone else and i make sure that i see britt a few times a week! i'm going to be going back to montreal soon. i have my apartment set up...most things are pretty much set up - and i was thinking about how sad i'm gonna be when i go back to school, and when naomi goes back. every time i think about it i wanna cry. i've been spending so much time with them that i can't imagine what it'll be like when we all seperate again for the year!
anyways - i obviously can't update everyone on my whole summer so i should just make it pretty recent! i was just in montreal this past weekend - i got a new bed for my new apartment! the apartment is BEAUTIFUL! 10 floors up, newly renovated in the heart of downtown montreal! i took naomi around the area a bit - took her into sex cite, a sex store thats right across the street a block down - she thoroughly enjoyed that. and peter helped me moved all my boxes into the apartment and i got to see my grandparents in the morning before we left...if i didn't mention it before than i'm saying it now - peter and i are not together anymore - i broke up with him on his birthday in june...i know...terrible time to do it but i had good reason. anyways there was a lot of fighting when i went to montreal. first with peter which got settled and then with my grandmother who just always has to put in her two cents! she was talking to naomi about what she'll be taking at school this year! she's so fuckin proud that naomi is in pre med! to her, money is a huge thing even thought she's never worked a day in her fuckin life! for the longest time she;s had this obsession with the idea of her grandchildren being pharmacists or doctors or whatever! anyways, i know my mother and she has this idea that i feel left out if people are talking about naomi and not me! at this point i was thinking "please no one turn to me" and then as i expected my mother turns to me and says "and rebecca's taking art history...and painting..." so i finished by telling my courses...what you have to understand is that all year round my mom would push me to call my grandmother...and every time i did my grandmother would ask me where i'm gonna get in life studying the fine arts and art history...thats why i stopped calling her becuz she really has no clue about life! anyways back to my point, when my mother started talking about MY schooling...my grandmother turns to her and says "i don't know why you bother sending her to school! you're wasting your money! she's not even learning any academics!" at that point i got so angry that i yelled at her and said "i'm studying art history!! how would you know!?" and she says "well i wouldn't consider that an academic" and then i said "well what do you want me to do with my life?! should i quit and become a pharmacist?? or a doctor!" she said "well, why not?" and i said "WHY NOT?!? I HATE SCIENCE!!" where at that point she tells me "it has nothing to do with it" anyways...it just pissed me off....if anyone is to make you feel useless, leave it upto grandma! anyways - i'm gonna head out! i'll hopefully update when something entertaining happens!
current mood: bored
current music: Adrian - Jewel
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| Monday, May 17th, 2004
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11:37 pm - use a coaster?!
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today, well at least this morning was rather eventful! naomi was outside doing her leg exercises and it was a beautiful day outside so i figured i would go and sit outside in the sun...but at the same time i thought...maybe i should bring Minnie out with me to sit with me....now, my cat HATES the out doors...she is absolutely TERRIFIED of being outside...but i decided that, you know..at some times i have actually gotten her to sit with me outside!
today i brought her to a sunny spot and put her on the grass...she started to meow which was rather cute...so i picked her up before she was able to bolt towards the door and lay her on her back in my lap kind of like a baby!....naomi then said to me "you better make sure she doesn't pee on you" and i said "SHE'S NOT GONNA PEE!" and then i look down and there is a fountain of cat urine going all over my leg! now this doesn't bother me SO much because the cat had peed on me before...when she's afraid, she pees...however, i was able to clean myself...in the process of peeing on me, minnie ALSO peed on herself..and i HIGHLY doubt she would have cleaned it herself! and she REAKED of pee! so naomi and i decided to give her a bath!....CAT HATE WATER! its a known fact...its hard to give a cat a bath....i got into shorts and a t shirt and naomi assisted me in giving minnie a bath and getting the stench off of her....poor cat...i've never heard her meow so loud in my life...she was scared shitless....i felt so terrible that i let her have some human food afterwards to make her happy....
the day was stressful for the cat....she was soaking wet for a good portion of the day.....but she smells like roses now!
current mood: frustrated
current music: nothing! my speakers are broken!
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| Thursday, May 13th, 2004
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11:38 pm - all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift from this place
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i start working tomorrow OFFICIALLY for the summer...i have a long hours...i'm working from 9:30 - 8 if there isn't any rain and then on sat. i'm working from 9:30 - 4:00 and then i have a henna party from 6:15 - 10:30...and then finally on sunday i'm working from 9:30 to 3 - so its gonna be a full weekend...
i found out tonight that i lost the apartment that i was supposed to have...it's been a bad night...i had a nervous breakdown about that and then i got upset at dinner cuz everyone was sitting around making fun of me....
so it just hasn't been a happy day for me!
tonight i went with britt and naomi to mcdonalds for sundaes....and i got a hot caramel one...it was yummy...and then britt told naomi and i this funny story....apparently on www.ratemyprofessor.com, my dad has a couple ratings which is really interesting... they are both rather mean...when i got home i searched it up and found the ratings....one said "nice guy but try getting a straight answer from him" and another one said something along the lines of 'i wonder what he's looking at on the ceiling, bring a pillow to this class, prepare to sleep!" my dad has a nervous habit...he looks at the ceiling when he talks...well about anything serious...anyways i decided to put up my own rating...i wrote "i actually think he's a pretty nice guy! i don't know what your guys are talking about! maybe you are just upset cuz you're too stupid to pass his course! and did you ever think that he looks at the ceiling because he doesn't want to look at you?!" i think that was sufficient enough to make them feel bad!
anyways...it's time for me to go....i'll update later...
goodnight
current mood:  complacent
current music: full of grace - sarah mchlachlan
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| Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
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9:20 pm - MONDOR!!!!!!
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i know i haven't written in a while, but a recent entry in britt's livejournal made me decide that i should write more often...also because i have a lot more time on my hands now that school is over. anyways, i definately finished school on a high note! i got an A- in art history, and A in painting and B+ in drawing and then a D- in psych which was comepletely expected of me!
lately i've just been having some problems....right now i'm waiting for emma to call. she said that she has some bad news about the apartment that we're supposed to move into in july....the main thing being that it hasn't been built yet....i just don't know what she could tell me thats worse....maybe that it's not getting built at all....i'm just nervous.....
peter and i have been having some rough patches....its hard when i'm used to seeing him a few times a week and then going to seeing him once a month....i was used to long distance before i moved there but that was because it was all i knew...now that i've experienced being able to have a REAL relationship with peter i miss it....
i started work on the weekend! it was fun but i'm pretty sure that i'm working with incompetant people this year and i'm not too thrilled with that now...
yesterday i worked at my mom's office with britt and i don't think i've ever laughed as hard as i did when i was there....she doesn't know how to fold so i was making fun of her becuz of that and she was like "its because i'm an immigrant!" hahaha....and then she thought that the name Mondor (which happens to be a line of dance wear) was fucking hilarious! she was like "it sounds like a super hero's name!....MONDOR!!!!! - i want a cape with a big M on it!" *sigh* she's too funny....i love that girl!
current mood:  full
current music: more than words
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| Monday, April 5th, 2004
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2:16 pm - its hard to lead the life you choose
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you people must be impressed...TWICE in one week! i figure since i haven't started studying for my exams yet, it gives me time to write in this thing!
i went to thornlea today to talk to mr. kauder....i had a piece that i wanted to show him. i had put some stuff on a cd with a digital camera so peter sent me images and i printed them out. i'm gonna try and put one image on my livejournal but i don't know if it will work....if i can't do it within 15 minutes of me finishing this entry then i guess you'll have to wait and see it!
anyways, tonight is the seder at my aunt and uncle's house! all i have to say is that i'm really not looking forward to it! tonight it's gonna be me, my parents, daniel and my dad's mother, and then my aunt, uncle, my cousin, his wife laura, and their new born (my second cousin) zoe. and quite possibly my aunt's parents, but i'm not sure! anyways my aunt and uncle are complete snobs! they think that my immediate family is the black sheep of the family...they're just comeplete tight asses! those people are anal retentive!
ok, so there isn't much to say, my mom is cooking and the house smells nice! i don't really have anything to do, so i think i might take a bath and a shower...not in that order though....
current mood: bored
current music: sympathy - goo goo dolls
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| Sunday, April 4th, 2004
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8:18 pm - i face myself but there's a draft inside
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its been a hell of a long time since i wrote and i think i said the same thing in my last entry but i doubt anyone still looks at my livejournal... i guess i got lazy for a while. maybe not only got lazy, but had too much work to deal with. whatever...i'm here in toronto now and i have absolutely nothing to do so i thought it would be productive to write in this thing...just so you people didn't think i fell off the face of the world.
well it would take too long to update everyone on EVERYTHING...so i'll just go with the basics. well for one, on friday morning, i just had my last class of my first year of university. i still have my exams coming up....and i have two portfolio interviews and i'll be done comepletely on the 19th!
oh i dont think i wrote about it...
here's a good story! i was in psych class which is in a big lecture hall with like 130 students...i was whispering to my friend and the teacher had a cow and kicked me out! right there in front of everyone! the class had not even started!! i was pretty pissed off! how does someone get kicked out in a university class! whatever...as impossible as it may seem....I MANAGED QUITE WELL! anyways, i emailed the teacher and i got a VERY rude response back...so i emailed him again...and then i got a nicer email back saying that i could come to class...but he was still pretty rude! anyways....long story short, i think i'm gonna fail psych...especially cuz of this moronic teacher!
hmmm...what else! oh yeah...i turned 20 on march 10th! i felt REALLY old... my actual birthday wasn't that great! some things were special! emma (my neighbour) bought me this GREAT birthday cake! it was vanilla with vanilla icing and then it had rainbow icing around the top and bottom of the cake! and in the middle it was filled with mini m&m's and had clown head sticking out of it with balloons! it was the BEST CAKE EVER!!!!!!! she also bought me a red sunflower which was very nice...peter showed up late...and didn't have any plans as usual...we ended up going to this gourmet pizza place...and he bought a bottle of wine which was nice and then we went to the casino and then back home.
i had a party on the saturday after my birthday! my roommates did some cool thigns for me...they had friends there too...but we have this tapestry on the ceiling of our common room and they filled it with balloons while i was out and then during the party they made all the balloons fall on me! it was cool! and zach has these friends who are professional clowns (they weren't in their outfits) so they put on a really cool juggling act for me! that was really cool!
ummm ok....i got into toronto on friday night and i have been cleaning for passover...and tonight i went to dinner with my parents..we went to centre street deli! its like a gathering a jews there! i was pretty pissed off cuz they sat us like right next to the door so we had people standing over us the whole meal! kids screaming and very typical of most jews....we had people STARING at us!! can someone PLEASE tell me why jews feel like they need to stare at everyone that walks by!!! if i was there with a friend i wouldn't have taken that table! i'm sorry but i could see ahead of time that that table sucked my ass big time!
anyways, for now i think i'm good...i can't make promises about how often i will write...i know that once i'm COMPLETELY finished exams and back here for the summer i will write more often! i always write more in the summer! i talked to melanie today (my boss) and she said that there is a meeting on saturday to go to! which is awesome cuz i'm still in toronto on saturday!! WOOHOO!!! i love my job!!
anyways, its time for me to go...i just needed some distraction for a few minutes!!!
if people are still out there, please comment on my livejournal! :*(
current mood: content
current music: sarah mclachlan - angel
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| Friday, February 13th, 2004
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8:08 pm - a response to toronto bus etiquette!
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as most of you may know, britt wrote a hilarious entry about bus etiquette in toronto. now, i discussed it with her and she agreed to letting me write my own bus etiquette for montreal. when i say the bus, i also mean the metro because here, thats just how every person gets around.
as much as i enjoyed britts ranting about how stupid the people are in toronto, (i'm sure we all know and agree with her) the people, or shall i say frogs in montreal are up there on the retarded scale.
so here's MY outlook on "bus etiquette":
a)as britt had pleasantly put it, you have no fucking right to take up two seats...and by that she meant sitting in the aisle seat when the bus is starting to fill up. however, in my experience, and i have seen this AT LEAST twice in the past two weeks people have been sitting in the middle of two seats! yes...thats right people! TWO SEATS! which means they have a seat PER ass cheek!! now, i might not necessarily NEED the seat but why take one per cheek!! it's useful space yer taking up!! STOP IT!
b) now there are two issues i need to address here in response to getting kicked on the bus. everyone needs to understand that EVERYTHING in montreal is smaller, so less people can fit on the bus. i've never experienced being kicked, however.. i i'm pretty short, so when people crowd around they grab the bar at the top of the bus! listen people, you need to either grab the pole istead, so your armpit is NOT right on top of my head...OR use deoderant! is this doesn't suit your likings, then you shouldn't ride the bus, because everyone is going to suffocate!
the second issue involves when i am sitting down and the bus starts filling up with people! its fine when yer walking past me, but PLEASE..do not, and i repeat DO NOT stop RIGHT in front of me and rest your bags on my legs! i am not a counter don't not treat ME or anyone else like that!
c) to take care of the issue of people sitting next to your when there aren't that many people on the bus, that isn't necessarily the problem here. what i think should change is that unless your on the bus for just two stops...SIT DOWN! for example...there were not that many seats left...but there WERE some...and this lady chose to stand RIGHT next to my seat and hold the bar and tower over me! i will not accept this!! go stand somewhere else! preferably where there isn't anyone sitting...if you are the ONLY one standing in the bus and there are still seats available, then you have a problem!!
d)here's where the issues change! people in montreal pretty much, tend to mind there own business, so i'm going to talk about a completely different topic rather than 'watching'. as i mentioned before, everything in montreal is small. when there are two people sitting down and there is one seat between them, before you sit, MAKE SURE, and i'm serious people...make sure your ass will fit in the seat! if i'm sitting next to you and you end up sitting half on me and half on the other person, 1) no one can move and 2) i'll start swearing at you!
e)now, i know that this would NOT apply to toronto, becuz who in toronto has ever heard of decorum? in montreal when you wait for a bus, you wait IN LINE! yes...thats right, you stad under the sign when the bus stops and create a line from there! HOWEVER there are a few people who see the line and think "damn! thats too long!" so what do they do? they wait next to, the front of the line so that when there is a gap when they see someone is moving a bit slow, they will push there way in! i'm sorry people, but the people in line did the time!! so all i have to say is BACK OF THE LINE PEOPLE!!!
f) to finish off my response, just like britt wrote a letter to york transit, i will do the same to STCUM
Dear STCUM,
when your drivers are driving the bus, would it be possible if you would first TEACH them how to drive so they aren't jerking the bus back and forth. it doesn't make me sick, just frustrated because i have to hold on with my dear life! after you teach the drivers how drive the busses, try teaching them how to speak english so if an anglo person (such as myself) has a question, they can easily answer! also, please tell your drivers NOT to play their loud french music...it just sounds TERRIBLE and it's NOT what people need to hear at 8 in the goddamn morning. FINALLY bus drivers, i do not appreciate how you say hello when we come on the bus and then scream at us in french to do GOD KNOWS WHAT! this needs to stop immediately! i hope these things are taken into consideration!
current mood:  anxious
current music: my funny valentine
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| Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
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11:11 pm - a place for me in your heart
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i have a test tomorrow and i'm so amazingly stressed out about it...it's like no matter how much i study, the information just doesn't enter my head! who knew that psychology was biology! if i knew that ahead of time i wouldn't be in this class! whatever....by the end of the week i'll be so happy! everything will be finished!! i have an essay due on friday so once that is handed in i'm good to go...i just have to finish writing it first...i'm having such a hard time writing it...last week i had a dream that i left the essay til the night before at 11:00 and i couldn't get it done....i guess things are ok cuz i already finished my intro...but the intro took me like 3 hours to write....
i just have to be calm about things...
for those of you in toronto, i might be coming in to town this weekend...
not for anything special...its debbie's birthday on sunday and peter and i want to go to the cemetary...it would be a nice road trip....
i've been pretty up and down lately...and i find it hard to concentrate lately specifically because i've been thinking about debbie...i get these ideas in my head all of sudden, like someone is talking to me and saying "wait a minute, you don't have a big sister!"
yesterday in drawing i was about to start crying and then i said to myself "ok, rebecca! get your mind in gear!! think about something else"
it was just out of no where...
i donno...i guess also just living here....i can't wait til the summer...i just wanna go home for a while...no worries about money there and no worries about who's gonna do what chores...i feel like a maid living here
anyways, on friday after i hand in my essay and after class i have to find a valentines gift for peter...if anyone has ANY idea what i could get him that wont cost me an arm and a leg....PLEASE let me know as soon as possible...i don't even think he got me anything so i might just get him chocolate or something like that...maybe a stuffed animal...well i did that last year...so it has to be something more original!! please! i need ideas!!
i just have way too much on my mind....i just miss my cat...
current mood: restless
current music: broken down palace - sarah mclachlan
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| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
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3:11 pm - rebecca's got a gun
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i've been meaning to write for a while....a lot of shit has happened here and i just want it to end!
i can't remember the last time i wrote...but i'll try and update as many of you as possible. right now i'm at my friend, cory's house. he just went out to get something so i'm all alone here. i had to come all the way out here becuz i got in another falling out with my roommate. so heres the thing...for the past month and a half or so, i've been hanging out with my next door neighbour, emma. she has become a really good friend. its almost like when yer living in a residence and find a really great person who just happens to be exactly like you...well thats like emma and i..we're exactly alike!she was supposed to move march first but now that she has friends in the building..she's gonna stay and then her and i are going to look for a place together next year, which hopefully will work out in the end! we both like and want the same things, so we'll see. thats the good news...well, sheryl left zach....sheryl was the first person i have ever brought to the apartment...after thati felt like i couldn't bring anyone because the one person who i thought was my friend...did something i asked her not to do...
ever since i've been friends with emma, i've been happier...i have someone to talk to...someone to understand me and someone to help me out with my problems...
and now zach is after her.....
the second person i bring home and this is what happens...its hard enough being friends with her because every guy she walks by thinks she's stunning..but that this has to happen again just makes me want to move out.
so i got proof today that emma is a real friend because zach lashed out at me... and was screaming REALLY mean things to me, which is why i left....i started bawling my eyes out and i left and came to cory's....i talked to emma later and she said that she had a talk with him last night after i left and is turned out that she told him that they cant see eachother because she needs me as a friend.....
anyways...i can;t talk to him....i wrote zach a letter basically saying that i want him to stay the hell out of my life...
i just don;t feel like anything to be effective anymore...
the only person i feel i could trust is peter and he can't always be there for me cuz lately he's been busier than usual with work.
i feel lonely and agitated! i was telling cory that i just don't see the point in living when no one cares about what you have to say or how you're feeling or even that yer there...people will walk into me as if i'm not there...and i'm sick of it!!
i can't wait to move out of that shit hole!! life will be better when i'm not there!! zach had the nerve to tell me that all he wants is for me to be happ! and then he tells me that if he can't have this (if he can't have emma) he's going to be really angry with me..(which was clear today)...so technically its impossible for him to want me to be happy cuz its clear thathe doesn;t...if he goes out with her...he KNOWS i wont be happy...and if he doesn't get it then he's gonna treat me like shit which will make me cry! so either way i wont be happy!
anyways! on a lighter note, i went to this show that emma had tickets to called 'La Fuerer' which is this french show...kind of like famous people, women against men and they answer questions about music...the women cheer for the women and me cheer for the men...it's a competition...and then they have famous people come and sing...it's really cool...even though i didn't comepletely understand everything...i had a good time...Ryan Malcolm sang live there..and that was good cuz it was english...and the best part was that our seats were in the front row, RIGHT behind the host! so the cameras were on use for most of the show! it was cool!!
anyways...i don't know when cory's gonna be back but he said he's making me dinner tonight, which is cool...
but for now i'm gonna go...
current mood: crappy
current music: none
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| Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
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12:47 pm - yo ho ho ho a pirates life for me
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i'm back in montreal...i had a nice and relaxing time in toronto..but i believe that it became time for me to return here to this city filled with frogs...
today is my one year anniversary with peter. i don't know what we're doing tonight and i'm not too curious either... for some reason i believe that it wont be anything special...of course i could be wrong..and if i am i'll let you all know...
but from the sounds of it, i don't believe that there could possibly be anything waiting for me.
i just spent most of my afternoon watching pirates of the caribbean..it was an awesome movie! but now i have a head ache...for some reason ive had a head ache non stop for the past three days! who knows maybe i'm coming down with something...like when i was sick last year and i had the head for 5 days straight until i ended up in the hospital...ah well....it's all good!
anyways...i just thought i'de check in...
my relationship with peter is going down the drain...i could feel it....
i love the boy....but i just don't know anymore...he makes me sooo angry! i just don't want to put in the effort anymore!! one year is too long...how the hell do people do it....
somebody please tell me how its possible to have a relationship for a longer period of time!!
AHHHHHH!!!! i'm SOOOOO frustrated with him!!!!
current mood: infuriated
current music: none - sitting here in silence is best
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